dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
