Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
