I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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