Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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