My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
