Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize