I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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