paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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