I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
