fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
