We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm passing your future prison.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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