I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
