I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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