in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
