my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
