All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
