She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
