if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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