She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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