I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
