the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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