It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
