i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i think i just lost a toe
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize