My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
