the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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