i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
