there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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