I take back everything I said about communal showers
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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