You did not just play the dead husband card again.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize