Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize