can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
