God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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