My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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