five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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