I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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