The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
