life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
