I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
