I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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