I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
