You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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