We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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