im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
