about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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