I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
