dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
