you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize