I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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