im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
