im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
