You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
