I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
