you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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