Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize