remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
